the self-help aisle
Betwixt and between
Dear, Reader.
My first visit to the self-help aisle was because I was in a situation with an individual who was doing their best to show me my place in the scheme of things. They were showing me how little I mattered. How I didn’t belong. How ‘other’ I was. How I was not a person, but merely a role. The individual wasn’t evil. It seemed like they were just carrying on in the only way they knew. Of course, I felt terrible. I didn’t know how to change this. And I didn’t know if change was even possible. I felt sorry for both of us, apparently trapped in these ways of relating. But I also felt sorry because I did not know how to get angry1.
I didn’t know there was anything cringey about frequenting the self-help aisle of a bookstore. Even if I had known, I don’t think it would’ve stopped me from going. The first time I stood in the aisle facing the books, many of which began with the words How To, I didn’t know what I was searching for. Words like (how to claim) agency and (how to define your) boundaries were yet unknown to me. I remember being really excited. Apparently, I wasn’t alone. Maybe not so other after all, I thought to myself, if there were entire books written on the very topics I was grappling with.
I think it is true for many people that the self-help aisle2 is the first place they find community.
Until that time- I think I was in my early forties, a decade ago- I’d read only fiction and textbooks. My first visit to the self-help aisle was like drawing a line between two parts of my life- the first part, where I only read fiction, and the second part where I mainly read nonfiction, especially self-help books.
I lived in the self-help aisle for about 8-9 years. Not only was it my first experience of (albeit invisible) community, the books were like sirens offering limitless hope, of fixing and fine-tuning until one day, I would achieve perfection. I guess we need a book called How To Not Live In The Self-Help Aisle Forever.
Does that mean a line runs through the middle of everything and the secret to life lies in somehow straddling this line. This, of course, is the general concept behind the Buddhist Middle Way that guides us to avoid extremes. Get the help you need, but don’t always be trying to fix yourself, someone might’ve said to me. Straddling the line between working all the time and doing nothing at all might mean working hard and taking adequate time off. Is doing what I can and letting go of the rest the middle way between thinking I can control everything versus thinking I can’t control anything? Now you can see the line that runs between free will and fatalism. But, here’s the thing about the middle way. It might look different for each of us. I’ve been sharing this quote everywhere, and here it is again:
“Everybody is different. Everybody's middle way is a different middle way. Everyone practices in order to find out for him or herself personally how to be balanced, how to be not too tight and not too loose. No one else can tell you. You just have to find out for yourself.”
- Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World
I don’t want to be glib or offer my version of a self-help mantra, but I often wonder what it means to meet a moment as its equal, as though I am enough. I’m trying to practice it, and maybe, I don’t need a book for it.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Do you like the self-help aisle?
Best,
Priya
I must’ve recommended this book a hundred times already, but here it is again: The Vital Spark by Lisa Marchiano is a great book that talks about ‘outlaw’ energies like anger.
Maybe this is online now, but back then, I was still old-school enough to go to a bookstore to look for answers!
Oh yes, the self help section or aisle. When we owned our bookstore, we had a very comfortable Self Help section—that's where 2 of our 3 chairs were placed. It was at the back of the store (I have a photo somewhere) and people hung out there. Our store sold used and new, so when we went 'shopping' for books at garage sales, friends of the library sales, estate sales, we'd always make sure to buy a healthy # of self help. It was actually a great section I'm pleased to say, covering a couple decades of what was popular both then and now. A real potpourri. I think it's a great addition to genres, b/c it has wide berth--stretching from everything from Eckhart Tolle to Abraham Maslow to Don Miguel Ruiz' Four Agreements and Gail Sheehy. And so much more. I think they're an important part of life as there's a little something for everyone in them, if you look hard enough. An interesting post, Priya!
There could be a self-care aisle as a sub-specialty of self-help. We show up as who we are, a whole person who matters, who is seen and heard. If someone has a problem or an issue with that, wants us to change to accommodate them, maybe a conversation about why or maybe not. We don't control others' reactions to us, nor would I want to, and they aren't what my kids called "the boss of me." I remember their sorting that out among themselves early on. I enjoyed a conversation this morning with two other substackers about taking care of ourselves, sometimes seen as "selfish" when it's more about self-respect and self-care.